The Beginning

I had a miscarriage. This is what this blog is about. It might not end up being what it is only about, but that is why I have decided to start it. Right now my miscarriage is defining who I am. It is at the root of all of my physical problems as well as my mental issues.

I found out I was pregnant on January 15, 2011. It was a Saturday morning. Rob was still in bed. I had told him I needed to use the bathroom and I quickly busted out the test while I was in there. I waited a couple minutes before I looked at it. There it was in all its digital glory: PREGNANT. I brought it in to Rob and just handed it to him. He said "Really?" and I said "Yup!". We hugged and continued on our day. It was to be a busy one! We had a wedding that afternoon a couple hours away. We'd be seeing both sets of our parents and many family members. Oh how hard it would be to keep quiet!

I'm going to side track here as I'm sure you'll find me doing a lot. It's my blog. Deal with it. We got this question a lot: Had you been trying? Our answer varied depending on who we were talking to. After all, we're struggling financially. We can barely pay our bills. We have to budget out every grocery trip, every drop of gas, every batch of baby food. How could we say yesss!!! Yes, we were trying so hard for a baby!!! So we didn't, but that was the case. My body wanted me to have another baby right after having Alyssa. I've never ever ever wanted to have kids closer to 2 years in age together, but that had all changed. Even with as colicky as Alyssa was, I loved her so much. We knew our family wasn't complete and we really wanted to bring the next member to us. I wanted Alyssa to have a younger sibling before she was old enough to feel jealous or replaced. Before she could realize a new baby was using her old things and getting its own room. In a couple of years she would have forgotten about the baby never being there. It would be as if it was always like that. Then we could all do similar activities together. We'd have two toddlers at the same time, go through potty training around the same time, and even be able to go on the same rides at Cedar Point at the same time. So yes, we did want another baby and I couldn't wait. I became so emotionally attached to the idea that I would bawl my eyes out every night until Rob decided he wanted another baby, too. And he really did! It just took him longer to get there than me. So when we were both there, my emotions took a turn for the better. I wasn't feeling so down anymore. Christmas had been really stressing me out because it was so expensive this last year and we were feeling stressed about always having to be in 4 places at once. Knowing that we would be conceiving another baby soon made me get through all that.

Before I move ahead in the story I want to continue talking about "Were you trying?". One lie we told people was "Well.. we weren't not trying." This implies that we weren't trying. We didn't expect a baby. Not so soon. It's kind of a way of avoiding the question in the first place. It's like saying yes we were trying, but no we weren't. Not really. I guess we used that one more with those people we wanted to hear what they wanted to hear. They were also the people we didn't want to lie to, but who we prepared to tell that we really wanted another baby right now, despite financial difficulties and everything. Other times it just slipped out before I could take it back and trade it for one of the other responses. Then there was the bigger lie: "No. It was completely unexpected." This is what we told to people we didn't want to take the conversation any further with or to those who might judge us for our poor planning. This was also a go-to answer for me because I felt like when I said it, and if I tried to make myself believe it was true, then I could have less guilt about all the things I did that I wasn't supposed to do. All the things I still believe could have led to me not carrying my child today.

Back to the story. So in December we tried. I got AF (aunt flow... I sure hate talking about this, but it's part of my vent) on November 29. I didn't take a test until New Year's Eve. I wanted to know if I could have some beer or not! I can't remember if I had taken a test before this or not. I think I had and had gotten a negative. Actually I know I did because that's how I justified having drinks over the holidays. Then on New Year's Eve I decided to take another one. It was negative. I had probably 5 or 6 beers throughout the evening and night that night. A few days later I started getting concerned about no AF. I took another test. Negative. A few days later I took another test, also negative. We ended up going "home" to Saint Joseph because Rob had an interview. The whole way there I felt terribly carsick. It was rough. Throughout the weekend I was having stomach pains. Finally, I was cramping and going to get AF (I never had cramped much before, but everything is different since having Alyssa). The morning before we left I had severe pain in my lower abdomen. It wasn't cramping. I told Rob something was wrong. It just wasn't right. I took so much Advil that day. I hid it well though. I can be quite the little actress. I still got carsick all the way home. I took a test after getting home. Still negative. I blew off the pains and the carsick feeling.

This finally brings me back to the morning of the 15th. You may have thought it was kind of a lame way to tell Rob about the pregnancy and that we both didn't act as overjoyed as you would think. You would be right. After all, neither of us had forgotten about my pains, about all the Advil, or all the drinks. I had what I thought was a yeast infection a few weeks prior and had taken something for that. I had taken a couple of very very hot baths - a pregnancy no-no. I ate just about all the foods I wasn't supposed to. Pretty much if you named it, I had done it. All that happened in the few weeks I knew I WASN'T pregnant (which obviously I was). With Alyssa, I took a test a few days before AF was supposed to come and it was positive! There was no way I was pregnant when I was still getting negatives two weeks after AF was supposed to be there. When I think about it and when I write it out in my head I keep saying "But you should have always known it was a possibility". And I should have. I was irresponsible. I had just had a healthy full term pregnancy and I knew I was able to make healthy babies. I knew I could relax because my body knew what it was doing. I let all that get to my head. I was wrong.

That day we found out was amazing though. As cautious we were  to accept the pregnancy, we did. More and more throughout the day we would look each other in the eyes and smile without saying a word. We'd dance with Alyssa and talk about how it was nice dancing with all four of us. I'd try to hide putting my hand on my stomach, but when I did I could feel my love coursing through my hand and to that little bean in there. It's when I started talking to my baby. Telling them I was so happy they were there and how anxious I would be the next several months for them to arrive.

We had one week of pure joy. For Alyssa I called my sister right away to tell her I was pregnant and we made plans to go home the following weekend to tell our parents before we announced it to everyone else. This time we were going to wait. We wanted to know when I was due and maybe have an ultrasound picture first. We went in to the OB for the consultation visit that Wednesday. It was all the same information they had  given me with Alyssa. When it came time to track down my due date it was a little different. Usually you just tell them when your last AF was and they determine it by that. I told her and she gave me a due date of September 5, 2011. Then I told her about all the negative tests and how it was negative just a couple of days prior to the positive on the 15th. She seemed a little confused by that and said we'd get to have an ultrasound the next week to determine how far along I was. Yay an ultrasound! I only got one ultrasound done of Alyssa and that wasn't until it was time to find out the gender. I was so excited to be able to have a picture of my little bean. I also told her about all the things I had done that I had been stressing about and she reassured me that people have done much worse and had had healthy babies. She also didn't seem concerned about my stomach pains. We left feeling secure, confident, and more excited than ever about our new baby. On the way out I gave the pregnant women my "I know you can't tell I'm pregnant yet, but I'm one of you!" smile.

We decided we were going to tell our family on February 5, 2011 - Rob's birthday. His siblings were going to be in town and my parents were invited to join us at my in-laws' for a little celebration. We bought Alyssa a big sister shirt that she was going to wear under a zip up sweatshirt. When the moment was right we were going to ask someone to take off her sweatshirt and then see the reaction! We were already nervous about it. What people would think or say... If the reaction would be "YAY!" or "All ready?". Either way, we were excited. We also talked about room themes and how we'd make the guest room into the new baby's room.

The nurse doing the consultation gave me a lab sheet for blood work. I did blood work with Alyssa too, but this time they wanted me to go a couple of times. I didn't think much of it. I went to the hospital to get blood work done and chatted with the nurse about my due date and what-not. I always did have that feeling hidden away that something was wrong, but I'd try to dismiss it as best I could.

Something went wrong. Something went completely utterly disgustingly wrong and I will never know what it was. I will never know if it was something I did or not. I won't know if my baby had Down's Syndrome or another chromosome problem, a heart disorder, or if maybe he/she didn't attach well and didn't get nourishment. I don't know if it's something that will happen again or if this it was just my turn to be part of a statistic that it just randomly happens to so many out of so many women.

On Monday, January 24, I was waiting for the nurse to call me about my blood work. I was nervous about it this time. After all, what if I wasn't really pregnant and the positive test was a fluke? Wasn't it weird there were so many negative tests? What about the pains? I could hide all my thoughts pretty well before this, but waiting for that call make them so much worse. They had told me they'd have the results first thing in the morning and that they'd call me. I hadn't heard anything. I was going to have Rob call later in the day if they didn't call me.

Then came the heartbreak. I used the bathroom and found pink. I knew spotting was normal in some people's pregnancy, but I knew what this meant. I kept the toilet paper and put it on the counter. I don't know why. Maybe I thought if there was some hope maybe keeping that to show the Dr.s would help them save the baby somehow. I can just remember the numbness and complete shock. I couldn't feel my limbs and everything was fuzzy. I somehow managed to call Rob, still shocked and terrified beyond any fear I've ever had. I told him I was spotting and he said he'd call the OB. He called back to say they needed to talk to me. Shortly after, they called me.
"So you have some bleeding?""Yes."
"Did anyone call you with your lab results?"
"No."
She then read off to me a whole bunch of numbers, followed by a long long pause.
"So what does that mean."
"It means you lost your baby."
Silence
"Your ___ level was ___ the first time which isn't high enough to maintain a pregnancy. The second test showed it was lower."
I was too numb to say anything. Alyssa started squirming on my lap and my numb arms almost dropped her. She was smiling up at the phone. She loves to hear people on the phone.
"Are you ok?"
What the hell kind of question was that? How on earth can you have just told someone they lost their baby and then ask them if they're ok?! Who would be ok with that?!
The absurdity of the question made me sarcastically giggle.. "haha... NO..." Then I started to bawl. Alyssa giggled at my ridiculous state. She thought I was being funny.
"Is someone home with you?"
"No."
"Is there someone I can call for you?"
"No." Like I was going to have her call Rob. Learning of the loss was bad enough without having some phone nurse bluntly tell you about it.
The nurse continued to be dumb and asked if I had any questions or anything. I obviously could not even think about anything to ask nor did I want to be on the phone with her any longer.

It took me a couple minutes to compose myself enough to call Rob. What would I say? How could I break his heart over the phone when he's 15 minutes away at work? Unfortunately, he'd of course know something is terribly wrong based on my voice and sobbing. I decided it would be worse to have him race home wondering what was wrong than to tell him what happened over the phone. I still didn't know how to word it. The phone rang and when he answered I couldn't help but start to bawl again. "I lost the baby." was all I could get out. He asked how I knew and I told him "they told me so." "I'm so sorry" was all I could say after that. He came home. It was so hard waiting for him to get here. I was numb all over and dizzy. Alyssa was going back and forth between laughing at me and crying.

The rest of the day was hard. I of course could not stop blaming myself. The bleeding got heavy and was the last thing I wanted to deal with. This lasted for about 5 days. I felt sick, hot, dizzy... everything you could think of. If I found myself laughing or smiling I would break down in tears later over the guilt. I still feel guilty.