It's been awhile since I wrote that last entry. I didn't know where to go from there. I was lost. Months of emotional pain that not even doubling my anti-depressants could help. During that time many people I am close with became pregnant. I'd try to be happy for them, but I couldn't shake the sense of jealousy and disgust. Then the guilt from blaming them for my pain just brought me more pain. I didn't want to see a pregnant person when out and about or at family gatherings. I didn't want to see posts about it on facebook or in emails. I felt like just crawling into a hole and hiding there away from all the "happy news", but I was convinced people would still find a way to get to me there.
It's true what they say... You never know what it's like to have a miscarriage until it happens to you. You can imagine, yes, and you can get pretty close to understanding that way, but you will never know until it happens. I was barely into my pregnancy and the emotional pain from the loss was literally unbearable. I can only imagine what it's like to lose a baby later in pregnancy... I don't know if I could get through it.
That's where I am right now. Not experiencing a miscarriage (that I know of), but I am a day shy of 14 weeks pregnant, marking the second trimester. I felt flutters weeks ago and haven't felt them since. With Alyssa, I was so excited the whole time. Miscarriage wasn't even a possibility in my mind, so everything was perfect. Now I live in fear of what's going to happen next. I feel so unattached to this baby because I'm afraid of the pain that my mind tells me is inevitable. At the same time, I want to do everything for this baby that I did for Alyssa and that I wanted to do for Jordan. I take week-by-week pictures (even though I freak out if I don't see any growth) and I've been making nursery plans non-stop. I just have a hard time rubbing my tummy and talking to this baby like I did with Alyssa and Jordan. In my head, I always feel like it's likely I'm rubbing a corpse and instead of growing a baby I am acting as a morgue.
I don't know when this feeling will pass. I've been told that once you hear the heartbeat your chances of miscarriage drop dramatically, but that happened awhile ago. I've even seen the heart flutter on an ultrasound. I don't know when it all will be "real" to me. Maybe not until I have that pink healthy baby in my arms.
It's such a confusing time. I'm so happy, but then my pessimism kicks in and makes me so down and worried. I feel broken and there is nothing that can be said to me to make it better. There is nothing that can be done to make it better, either. I'm so lost and my family is suffering from it. I'm tired all the time and I'm sure it is not just from pregnancy. I just don't have the will to do anything, even to play with my daughter or to do any basic household work. I've even lost my desire to hold play dates at my house. I just don't feel like getting dressed and ready for the day or preparing the house.
All of this seems to be getting worse. As much as I didn't think it would get to me, I think it has to do with September 5th rapidly approaching. That was Jordan's estimated due date. Right now I would be a little over 2 weeks shy of Jordan's due date. The nursery would be done, clothes prepared, babysitters lined up... I'd feel those little kicks, punches, and hick-ups nonstop. I would have known the gender for a long time, and Jordan would have a different name, though it would be a secret to everyone but Rob, Alyssa, and me. I'd hear the heartbeat at my weekly appointments. I would probably feel miserable, but ecstatic about meeting the new member of our family. Instead I feel empty. I don't feel any movements at all. I don't have a way of knowing my baby is thriving. "Bitty" is still an "it". I don't have any information about Bitty other than seeing the little bean in ultrasounds taken a long time ago and one heartbeat reading. That would have been so much to me with Alyssa or with Jordan, but it seems like so little now. I'm still in denial that this is all happening.
I would give anything to have an at-home heartbeat doppler. I know friends who have them and many people in my forums have them. They talk about how much of a relief it is to listen to the heartbeat when they start to feel the worry. I sure wish I had that kind of comfort! Unfortunately, we can barely put food on the table, so a $50+ device isn't in the cards for us.
I was really convinced that getting pregnant again would help fill the void I felt after losing Jordan. A bad comparison, but it's like when you lose a pet and a new one helps the pain be a little less. It's just a lot more painful than that. I don't feel that way though. I don't feel any relief from the hurt left by losing Jordan and I feel like that hurt is keeping me from bonding with Bitty. Instead I have the hurt plus new worry and it is a lot to deal with.
My mind is in a million places right now and I don't want to think about this anymore at this moment. More venting later, hopefully sooner than this post was.
No comments:
Post a Comment