More Mixed Feelings

This weekend my mom is in town and we are starting to paint Bitty's room. It should be so exciting. I was PUMPED to paint Alyssa's. It makes it just that much more successful. The problem is tomorrow is Jordan's due date. It's still getting to me. I cried first thing when I woke up and had to leave Bitty's room earlier to hide my tears. I feel so unhappy. I don't know if my anti-anxiety and depression meds just aren't cutting it or what, but it's so hard to deal with while putting on a happy face. It's not fair to Alyssa, Jordan, or Bitty that I have these crazy mixed emotions going on. None of them are getting the attention they very much deserve.

I had a dream last night that I was so mentally confused that I wasn't allowed to take care of Alyssa anymore. I had to stay in my room all by myself and think my hurtful thoughts over and over. At one point Alyssa got in and I locked her in with me while people pounded at the door and tried to break in. I just held her, rocked, and cried.

I wanted to share the lyrics of the song that made me cry while in Bitty's room earlier. Sometimes all I need is a reminder of how fake my happiness is to really set me off... We were listening to the Glee soundtrack when "Smile" originally by Charlie Chaplin came on.

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile