Monday 8.22.11

I have a lot on my mind today. Nothing new, I suppose. It's two weeks until Jordan's estimated due date on September 5th. Why is this getting to me so much? I feel like I've accepted losing Jordan as much as I ever will, yet the pain keeps getting worse lately. The worry about not having Bitty anymore is getting to me, too. For a long time I was in denial about being pregnant now. I wanted it and was excited for it to be true, but I was still hesitant to accept the truth. I finally let it sink in a bit and was happy. Now that awful feeling of something being terribly wrong is back. I haven't had any painful cramping or bleeding or any other symptoms suggesting something is wrong, but I just can't shake the feeling. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid or if it's mother's intuition. I want to feel those flutters again! It's been so long since I've felt any. I don't feel like I look any bigger, even when looking at my week by week pictures.

We did end up ordering a fetal doppler the other night. It was out of our price range, but I can't stand this anymore. I think the stress is doing more damage to me than eating noodles the rest of the month will. We're always skimping by financially, so why not add this to it? My biggest fear though: Not finding a heartbeat when the doppler arrives. Of course, I've been told over and over that it is common not to find it this early, but my heart is set on it. Many moms in my "February 2011 Babies" forum use them and find success as do a couple of my friends. So what if I don't have success? How am I to know if I am just missing it or if there really is no heartbeat? I wish there was a more definite way of knowing.

I do have an OB appointment on Wednesday. They'll try to find the heartbeat then. As always, I'll go in expecting the worst. However, if they do find a heartbeat and I cannot find it myself at home that day or the next (assuming the doppler gets here quickly), then I can be a little reassured that the at-home one just isn't strong enough. That's just too much optimism for me though... Expecting the worst results in less pain when things do go terribly wrong.